A Funny Thing Happened on the way to PPTH


Title: A funny thing happened on the way to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital
Rating: R
Beta: meletor_et_al, who is also in cahoots with my muses. WITH ALL OF THEM.
Pairing: Various and sundry, including but not limited to Don/Charlie, Don/Wilson, House/Wilson, Charlie/Joel, Don/Joel, Colby/David, Don/Charlie/Joel
Fandoms: Numb3rs, House M.D., Northern Exposure
Summary: Dear God, that's a lot of crack.
A/N: I blame meletor_et_al, making my boss's dog's groomer's appointment, and Rob Morrow's magic blue stud. Also, this takes place a little bit after "Clueless" in season two of House. And fuck the logistics of everything else, cause CRACK CRACK CRACK. Beware slight OOCness. Slight.
Listen to "I Did It" by Dave Matthews Band

"What can I say, I've always wanted to fuck an oncologist."

"I've had a lot of fantasies involing handcuffs, so I guess we're even." Really, Wilson had. Being randomly shoved up against the wall by an FBI agent that reminded him of that guy from that show....St. Elsewhere? No, the other doctor one. But yeah, Wilson could get used to this, as long as--

"Wilson, if you're roughing up your patients again I'll have to tell Cuddy. It's not fair to keep her from all the kinky love." House was knocking on the door, and Don was grinning, sliding down Wilson's body and getting on his knees.

"Don't make me go get Foreman." Wilson was glad he locked the door. He could almost hear House roll his eyes. He was really confused by the next thing House said. "Ok, mini-Feynman, you try." He was even more confused when Don's head jerked back.

"Charlie?!" Don was up and yanked open the door. House walked right past him and left Charlie in the doorway. "Charlie, what are you doing here?"

"Who cares?" Charlie flung himself at Don, wrapped his arms around Don's neck, and immediately smashed their lips together.

Funny, but that's pretty much what was going on on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, no one bothered to actually close the door.

"Just have a seat on the exam ta..." As soon as Charlie heard the voice, he stilled. His lips were still plastered to Don's, but he could've sworn he heard Don behind him.

Well, not Don. Really, it just sounded a lot like Don. A bit higher pitch, and...a New York accent?

Charlie un-stuck his lips from Don's, squeezed his eyes shut. "Do I even want to, um, want to turn around?"

Don was staring. Staring over Charlie's shoulder and at someone who looked like him when he was younger. Well, if he had been about a quadrillion times dorkier than Charlie.

House limped over. "So, you were seperated at birth and he works here. For a guy that regularly fucks his little brother I'd think nothing would bother you."

Don punched him in the face, carted Charlie and his look-alike out, and left a maniacally laughing Wilson and a very confused patient in his wake.

When they got in the main lobby of the clinic, Colby and David were waiting patiently. Talking about Canada and something about marriage, but Don decided to just tune it out as he usually did when he overheard...things.

"Ah, Don. We just fou--who the hell is that?" Colby was staring.

"Uh, I'm Joel, Joel Fleischman. I work here." Joel was a bit lost for words. To say the least. Maybe it was Post-Alaska stress disorder.

"Yeah, he works here. And now he's coming with Charlie and I for questioning." Don coughed. David gave him a look that clearly said he knew Don was up to something.

"Questioning? Is that code for 'I'm going to go have really hot sex with my brother and my creepy double?" Colby was curious. Really curious.

"Something like that, yeah. But if you guys keep talking to me I'll never get my rocks off, so..." Don gave them a very pointed look.

"I, uh, guess we'll see you later." David would've been blushing if he could.

"Yeah, um, later," Charlie squeaked out. He shot a very heated glance at Joel, which Don saw and smacked him on the ass for, and out the door they went.

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